Life is too good, too boring, too lazy, too beautiful.  I'm feeling disconnected from the world even when I am most connected with what matters most in my life - my husband and kids.  Why oh why?  Why is nothing ever enough?  Is it human nature or is there something wrong with me?

I think we live too boring lives.  Our kids are dead bored and find the most interesting ways to get in trouble around the house.  I wish we had the money to take our kids out everyday, let alone waste gas.  But we don't.  When we're doing too much we want to do nothing, when we're doing nothing we want to be doing something.  Oh life, I love you.  We really need to go visit my family in MN!  I need to convince Vong before this beautiful weather disappears.

On the other hand I need to work on getting my kids off the bottle.  Reyna will be 3 in April and Lance is 1 and a half.  Ideally, I'd like to have them off the bottle by the time baby #3 arrives in late February.  We really need to work on it!  And I need tips on how to get them detached at night.  Please.... I need tips - give me anything!  Not to mention Lance's teeth are already beginning to decay.  It's roots are coated white, the very first signs of tooth decay, which then later turns brown and eventually..... rot and fall.  It'd be a painful and expensive consequence.  I hope it's not too late.  Save me, save us!

Getting down to the nitty gritty

I'm getting down to the last couple of our things. 

There's a lot to reflect on this very moment.  I can't believe I'm starting a new life again.  The other three transitioning new lives that I previously had to adjust to were one, college; two, getting married and moving in to live with his family; and three, becoming a parent.  Through each new transition I grow into a different person.  I don't know if I feel better or worse, but I feel that it is necessary and with that I take and move on.  I guess people call it growing up.  It really is a scary feeling.

Now all I have is me, my husband, and my kids.  It's something that I've been wanting for awhile now, but now that I finally have it I also am not sure yet what to do with it exactly.  I have instincts and ideas and I hope they are the best.  I asked my husband last night, "So how am I doing as a housewife so far?"  His answer wasn't very reassuring, "I don't know.  I guess we'll have to see how long this lasts."  I don't know what he meant by that, but I know it didn't make me feel too good.  In my heart and in my will, I want to be everything that I can be as a mother and a wife.  My love for them is endless and unexplainable.  It's just a kind of feeling that can only truly be felt and known, not explained.  Although I am a very stubborn and prideful person, I still do too wonder if I am doing enough.  I used to think love was enough, but my husband has shown me otherwise.  And he believes otherwise so in a sense, I also feel pressured to live up to this.

I honestly feel that whether or not our marriage will survive depends on the love and support we have for each other.  This is becoming more real today as we start our new life in a new home.  I don't know what support means to him, but how I show my support at the moment is being a good mother to my kids because I know that isn't only something that I want, but also what he wants.  Also, I do the best I can around the house.  I cook every meal.  I make sure he's fed, bathed when needed, and relaxed when he can.  It's funny that I am what I am today because never in my mind have I ever imagined it.  It's also funny that I don't feel it wrong to be this way neither.  The only thing is... I don't feel fully like he trusts and accepts me yet.  I feel like I constantly have to prove something to him, or maybe I'm trying to prove to my self.  It could be because I know he's being torn right now between his parents and his family (our kids and I).  I know he is.  I can tell.  I love him, I know him.  I felt this torn the day I married him and moved in to live with his family.  I cried for an entire month.  That was 3 years ago.  But I'm sure he's feeling more due to the responsibilities and expectations he has from his parents.  I wish I knew how to make him feel better, but I really don't.  All I can do is support him and tell him that I am the one to be here now behind every step of his way.  But I also know that he's having a hard time trusting that right now, which is why I feel like I have to prove something to him.  I'm afraid not knowing how he's feeling, what he's thinking, or what he's going to do.  I suppose I can always ask, but knowing him.... who knows what he will tell me.  The truth I hope if anything.  I almost feel like he's giving up his happiness for mines, and I don't want that and am not feeling right about it.

Is it natural to feel this way people?  I'm so confused and sad.  Please tell me this isn't all that it comes down to.

We closed and received the keys to our house this morning.  It was a great feeling!  So far our TV is set up with internet and cable ready to go and running.  I've started boxing some things and will have more to box this week.  It is a busy and stressful time that will pass and will be well worth it.

P.S.  If you didn't catch it the last post, we're having another girl!